Wednesday, 17 June 2009

• Worry

  Brian complained to me yesterday about how hard it was for me to trust him. He asked me if I feared him, or if it was about my insecurities. I´ve NEVER feared him, but until now I realized that all this time I was crossing my fingers behind my back and hoping for him to not be like the other ones. He´s not like them for fuck´s sake, c´mon, the man is genderqueer! He+"Man"+"Woman"=NO!!!! There´s a world of difference between him and a straight bio guy.

  The other part of this issue is that because of my really shitty past I had become used to hate, aggression, pain, loneliness, sorrow and harsh words to the point that I came to expect them and to even believe that I deserved them; but not to love, care, and tenderness. I simply wasn´t used to someone to love and nurture me as he does. So a part of me believed it was part of a huge evil complot, that he was gonna end up being like my sperm donor. But I was wrong. I simply can´t say no to this wonderful person because I love him so much to leave him because of some childish silly fears. I respect, love and honor him for the great human being he is and for all the wonderfull things he has done for me. If he was a fake he would have ended up leaving me when I confessed to him that dead animals make me laugh O___O.

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