Sunday, 07 June 2009
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I feel cursed
Today I listened to Nightwish´s song "Feel for you", and being so curious, I decided to look up the lyrics and their meaning in Songmeanings.net. When I found out their true meaning, I was FURIOUS. The song´s about a woman who falls madly in love with someone for the first time in her life, but the guy she´s with breaks up with her, and she still loves him; so her ex realises that and returns with her, only to manipulate her into making her believe that he loves her. The girl knows this, but she doesn´t want to realize this because she´s so fucking madly in love him. That kinda describes the relationship I used to have with my sperm donor (and I hope he fucking rots in hell forever for what he did to me). I know I should regret anything, because I wouldn´t be strong and realistic man I am today if it wasn´t for him; but I still regret giving in to his lies, deceit and manipulation, I regret not getting over him sooner.
I know that I should learn to love myself just the way I am, as Brian told me to do it; even if he didn´t meant that I should forget everything about transitioning and moving with him, and that he intended to say that I even if I believed that my life could be SO much better, for now I could very well be ok with it, since I´m stuck in this shitty hellhole of a place because of college and still not having my migratory papers in order; but I still hate my very existence and what it means. I trully fucking hate my life, and I still hate myself in a minor degree. I hate having being born transgendered and the fact that I have a very special mission in my life because of this. In the transman documentary "Enough Man" this transguy whose name is Raven Kaldera said that every person "that walks between the genders" has a special mission in xyr life. His mission was to educate the world about transgendered individuals. After a huge deal of soul-searching, I find out that mine was to make transmen more visible, since most people only think that transwomen exist; and also making queer and trans metal scenes visible because a lot of fucking jerks believe that all queer people should listen to techno (or live in urban areas, but that´s another story for another day). I´d much rather be a "normal" heterosexual female (which I tried to do for years but ended up failing epically at it obviously), and not having to deal with the burden I described before, but I know that if did this then my people would suffer much more than what they are already suffering with all the hate and bigotry that is being directed at them in a daily basis.
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Comments (6)
ooooooooooh, I just learned something today! ( I ... read ur about me like after I friended u and idk, wasn't sure if u were transgendered or just gay. But now I know, thanks for sharing.
) but I would like to know... why did u decide to become a man instead of staying a female? Although you said u epically failed;
What was it about being a female that u failed at?
Did someone make u feel like u were failing as one?
Mhmm. hmmm, feeling cursed is a pain. But then again, u shouldn't b/c things are not totally ... crap for you. U have some bright spots in ur life and with your moving on from ur "sperm donor" u can possibly say your moving forward in life. By the way, u will someday get out of your hellhole, trust me, it takes a while even some years, but u will get out.
@DRWispureofheart - I never felt comfortable being a female ever since I can remember.
I failed epically at being the stereotypical femmy girl that almost all the people around me wanted me to be, so I tried to be a butch girl, but it also didn´t felt ok. A lot of people made me feel like I was failing at being a girl.
@tsukiouji - that sux. hmmm...it's okay to suck at being a girl, just be you. Don't worry about fitting stereotypes. Hmm, interesting...hmmm gosh...I feel so much like a hypocrite but...I'm confused now as to what my opinion is now.
@DRWispureofheart - it´s ok, i also was confused in the beginning when i was trying to figure out my true self.
@AmericanDaughter - it is in japanese, and it means "moon prince".
thanks for the support. next month i can finally start the migratory tramits to move to the us.