Stop being such a scaredy cat dude. Seriously, there´s a entire world out there waiting for you to explore it. Just because you´ve been so isolated since you were really small doesn´t mean you have be like that for the rest of your life. From now on, no more stupid excuses; I DON´T CARE how scared you are to attempt something, you´re still gonna do it. It doesn´t matter if you end up breaking a bone or two (or something even worse) doing extreme sports or anything particularly risky, at the end of the day you´re gonna be glad you had the enough courage to do it; and pat yourself on the shoulder =).

Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Remember what you read today somewhere in Xangaland: "If you´re afraid of being hurt, then you won´t live". And you haven´t trully lived yet. Right now you´re still inside your little coccoon. Emerge from it, and live. Let the entire world see how special you are, and if someone doesn´t like you; then fuck them, it´s their loss.

Brian complained to me yesterday about how hard it was for me to trust him. He asked me if I feared him, or if it was about my insecurities. I´ve NEVER feared him, but until now I realized that all this time I was crossing my fingers behind my back and hoping for him to not be like the other ones. He´s not like them for fuck´s sake, c´mon, the man is genderqueer! He+"Man"+"Woman"=NO!!!! There´s a world of difference between him and a straight bio guy.

The other part of this issue is that because of my really shitty past I had become used to hate, aggression, pain, loneliness, sorrow and harsh words to the point that I came to expect them and to even believe that I deserved them; but not to love, care, and tenderness. I simply wasn´t used to someone to love and nurture me as he does. So a part of me believed it was part of a huge evil complot, that he was gonna end up being like my sperm donor. But I was wrong. I simply can´t say no to this wonderful person because I love him so much to leave him because of some childish silly fears. I respect, love and honor him for the great human being he is and for all the wonderfull things he has done for me. If he was a fake he would have ended up leaving me when I confessed to him that dead animals make me laugh O___O.

 Today I listened to Nightwish´s song "Feel for you", and being so curious, I decided to look up the lyrics and their meaning in Songmeanings.net. When I found out their true meaning, I was FURIOUS. The song´s about  a woman who falls madly in love with someone for the first time in her life, but the guy she´s with breaks up with her, and she still loves him; so her ex realises that and returns with her, only to manipulate her into making her believe that he loves her. The girl knows this, but she doesn´t want to realize this because she´s so fucking madly in love him. That kinda describes the relationship I used to have with my sperm donor (and I hope he fucking rots in hell forever for what he did to me). I know I should regret anything, because I wouldn´t be strong and realistic man I am today if it wasn´t for him; but I still regret giving in to his lies, deceit and manipulation, I regret not getting over him sooner.

I know that I should learn to love myself just the way I am, as Brian told me to do it; even if he didn´t meant that I should forget everything about transitioning and moving with him, and that he intended to say that I even if I believed that my life could be SO much better, for now I could very well be ok with it, since I´m stuck in this shitty hellhole of a place because of college and still not having my migratory papers in order; but I still hate my very existence and what it means. I trully fucking hate my life, and I still hate myself in a minor degree. I hate having being born transgendered and the fact that I have a very special mission in my life because of this. In the transman documentary "Enough Man" this transguy whose name is Raven Kaldera said that every person "that walks between the genders" has a special mission in xyr life. His mission was to educate the world about transgendered individuals. After a huge deal of soul-searching, I find out that mine was to make transmen more visible, since most people only think that transwomen exist; and also making queer and trans metal scenes visible because a lot of fucking jerks believe that all queer people should listen to techno (or live in urban areas, but that´s another story for another day). I´d much rather be a "normal" heterosexual female (which I tried to do for years but ended up failing epically at it obviously), and not having to deal with the burden I described before, but I know that if did this then my people would suffer much more than what they are already suffering with all the hate and bigotry that is being directed at them in a daily basis.